 Saturday, April 17, 2010
 at 10:02 AMAm feeling shitty tonight. Drinking coffee makes it worse. Am getting very much gelisah. Lower patience, easily loosing it. Being too direct, that it hurts people around me. Loved ones. Can't stop myself. My facial expression is very kurang ajar sometimes. Can't help it and is getting out of hand. It has become a part of me. I don't like long winded-ness , beating around the bush, low tolerance for that. Tho, sometimes, I do realise I myself, when lack of knowledge, can be long winded too, not for fun, but when I can't seem to find words or my due to deteriorating list of vocabs , which leads me to find myself difficult to express or explain with clarity. And sometimes people don't understand and comprehend what the hell Im talking. It feels shitty not being able to express properly and not getting others to fully understand your talking, or, discounting your words. This goes back to me. Me ME. I know, what the cause is. Its ruining me in the long run. IN many ways. My old self is back. And I'm fighting with my own self. Thinking don't match my doings. Damn Damn DAMN. I'm so in a cognitive dissonance. I know I should be writing or talking in this disturbed mind, or I'll get another heart hurt. Damn. But I need to, to recover. THis is not getting anywhere I know. What the hell. Some where near , on the verge of breaking down. And a crucial PERIOD. Padan muka kau. What you've done, now you're getting the 'reward'. Amek kau ubat. Never learn. NEVER EVER LEARNT. So many chances given, so MANY, you know the consequences, you know the scores you need to settle, you KNOW! And you conveniently accumulate it. Fun right? Good. How old are you already ah? How bloody old are you NOW? Do you have to wait until death knocks on your door before you change? Before you can settle or BALANCE/offset the scores ? The scores of 11years now. How sure are you gonna live for another 11 years to make up for it? HOW SURE? Even if it is, do you think that every one of it will be counted in?? What if your deadline is tomorrow? And you don't know it . Who ever does right?? And you happily, without any 2nd thoughts about the consequences, accumulate them. By the time it comes tomorrow, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUR PLACE IS AFTER THIS DAMN IT??? WHERE?? You can think positive/hope for the best/or whatever that will make you better or at ease, but the point is YOU KNOW YOURSELF best. Seriously, not the best time to break down. I need help. Like seriously. Before I get mentally distressed and disorder. Shit. I suspect PMS is coming. Or is it due to stress? Believe me, I'm sick of this too. Its not fun you know. You should try it sometimes. To become a girl. Gays not included. K whathehell am I talking. -_-''
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at 10:02 AM